this time erika. we had been acquaintances and we started hanging out more when she broke up with guy boyfriend. i guess my bad, as it always is, for being friends rather than stating outright my intentions? i don't know. i thought things were going well, i thought she liked me, blah blah. and then she meets a guy on a bus ride home and she likes him. i'm trying not to care but i'm failing pretty badly.
my mind starts cycling on thoughts of other girls i've liked and how i just don't seem to be worth a damn. ok too strong of words but still. mackenzie and her...flirtiness and yet always finding other guys. genevieve, who dated that loser, and now brian. now erika and this guy from a bus. and i wonder, am i undesirable? i know that's not true. but it really really feels like it.
and then my mind shoots back to emmy, who i am pretty positive likes me far more than she will admit. which makes me feel hypocritical in that i am just not attracted to her, and these girls i like are just not attracted to me. so what am i complaining about? i do the same thing that is done to me, and it's just as uncontrollable. but god dammit i think i am a good looking guy, a nice guy, a desirable person. but that just doesn't seem to be the case and it eats at me so much in situations like this.
i talked to andrew today and he said something along the lines of "why are delaying the inevitable, let's just take a gay pill." and oh man how i wish that could be the case hahaha. blah. fucking girls. and their dramatic input on how i feel. i'm sick of this crap.
on another note, more tyler's keep popping up. tonight i had a thought along the lines of; all these tylers keep appearing and it makes me feel worth less. maybe it's a sign from the universe i should just go all spirity and become some enlightened shaman, who never has a relationship with anyone, who tosses aside his ego completely, but becomes one with the universe. that sounds pretty sweet really, if it weren't for my logical skepticism. considering the eons of history of real people just living in the world, the idea of elevating my consciousness to some higher level...that is an idea for stupid religions that make everything worse.
so i am kinda stuck. shit.
