guess who's depressed again!

that means i'm writing again! boy, what was i gonna say...something poignant im sure.

first off, fuck school, i hate it, i can barely make myself go.

ok now that that's outta the way - what is wrong with me? i don't have a typical thing going on. I'm not worried about money, about my weight, appearance. but it seems i feel that i just really don't have anything to offer anyone. i don't have money, i can't cook, i know nothing about culturey things. i just accept dinners, i accept drinks, i get talked to about everything. all im good for is ruminating in my own head, afraid of how people will react if i actually fucking open up.

whoa, that was intense, huh? melodramatic much? but that is the problem, i just don't really feel good about myself. what happened to that badass with a stupid moustache and white pants that thought he owned the damn world? i guess it was a farce. i feel like this depressey me is the actual on. i just covered it up for a very long time. but it's back and...i dunno. i can hide him again or maybe this time fucking figure out what causes the whole mess and just destroy it.

well shit

i was doing pretty well there for awhile, as evidenced by my lack of writing here. and yet...sigh. i utterly loathe how very much dependent my mood is on girls, or at any specific time, a specific girl.

this time erika. we had been acquaintances and we started hanging out more when she broke up with guy boyfriend. i guess my bad, as it always is, for being friends rather than stating outright my intentions? i don't know. i thought things were going well, i thought she liked me, blah blah. and then she meets a guy on a bus ride home and she likes him. i'm trying not to care but i'm failing pretty badly.

my mind starts cycling on thoughts of other girls i've liked and how i just don't seem to be worth a damn. ok too strong of words but still. mackenzie and her...flirtiness and yet always finding other guys. genevieve, who dated that loser, and now brian. now erika and this guy from a bus. and i wonder, am i undesirable? i know that's not true. but it really really feels like it.

and then my mind shoots back to emmy, who i am pretty positive likes me far more than she will admit. which makes me feel hypocritical in that i am just not attracted to her, and these girls i like are just not attracted to me. so what am i complaining about? i do the same thing that is done to me, and it's just as uncontrollable. but god dammit i think i am a good looking guy, a nice guy, a desirable person. but that just doesn't seem to be the case and it eats at me so much in situations like this.

i talked to andrew today and he said something along the lines of "why are delaying the inevitable, let's just take a gay pill." and oh man how i wish that could be the case hahaha. blah. fucking girls. and their dramatic input on how i feel. i'm sick of this crap.

on another note, more tyler's keep popping up. tonight i had a thought along the lines of; all these tylers keep appearing and it makes me feel worth less. maybe it's a sign from the universe i should just go all spirity and become some enlightened shaman, who never has a relationship with anyone, who tosses aside his ego completely, but becomes one with the universe. that sounds pretty sweet really, if it weren't for my logical skepticism. considering the eons of history of real people just living in the world, the idea of elevating my consciousness to some higher level...that is an idea for stupid religions that make everything worse.

so i am kinda stuck. shit.

i love the smell of pot

no i don't. i hate hate hate times infinity the smell of pot. the only way i can see the possibility of a good smell is if it is practically in my nose. after being smoke, wafting through the air, wafting in the my god damn room? not so good. in fact, fucking horrible.

i don't think i'm going to drink anymore. the past two times, tonight being one, i just end up terribly circular and depressed. despite all the shitty scheduling and classwork, i have remained positive so far. then tonight i had 3 drinks and my mind ate itself. QQ. ha. how apt.

still haven't finished the new earth. i'm taking it slow. the thing with that is...it's too sunshiny. the methods work, they totally do. last week i was in a horrendous funk and this week, after realizing "it's ok to be unhappy" i was quite damn positive despite a pile of shit on my face.

BUT. this same problem, the one affecting me currently, keeps coming up. i can gloss over, i can say "it's ok to be unhappy," i can let it pass over me and not affect me...i can do whatever this damn book says. and yet the same problem keeps coming up, keeps making me feel the same utterly shitty. so i don't think the book has all the answers. i need to wallow in horrendous, pointless, dark feelings if i want to get out of this, i believe. when i ignore it and just go on about my happy rainbow life, i don't solve a damn thing, let alone this obviously DEEP SHITTY FUCKING issue. yeah, 2 swear words. i am abhorrently bitter about it.

i am going to blast hands away in some headphones and just...tune the fuck out

i cannot figure this out

i am so confused. i feel so alone.

i'm halfway through the new earth and it seemed to help. but then all this drama rose up and i got sucked into it, and i can't...i can't put life and theory together

i don't know what to do. i run circles in my head and get nowhere.

stop thinking, i tell myself. just be yourself, your awareness. ok, i can feel that, but then i wonder, what the fuck is the point of being aware when you can't do a god damn thing?

one thing i can't figure out - sex. it conflicts with itself so much. i want it, but i don't want it for its own sake. i feel i've wasted so much potential. i am capable of such passion. i am capable of so much pleasure, of giving so much pleasure, of such sharing. but then, what have i really missed out on? my life is no worse off. but it's something i've never experienced. what is that experience worth? i'm just going to die someday and any experiences i ever had, any one affected, it's all gone and doesn't matter.

what the fuck is the point? i feel so terrible right now and i can't even actually cry. tears well up but i can't cry. why do i feel so awful? i can't even figure that out. and then all the thoughts i think, trying to pin down what is causing me to feel so shitty, it just makes me feel worse and more confused.

i feel broken and i want to break things.

i can't help but feel helpless. there's nothing i can do, not really, in the scheme of things. but my genes or persistance or instinct keeps pushing me forward in this worthless stupid drama.

i wish i heart huckabees was real. i want some god damn existential detectives to help me figure shit out. i feel like i'm on the cusp, and i can't do it. the closer i get to going over that ledge, the more confusing it all is. nothing works, no method solves anything

i could write this like forever, because this is just how my thoughts are, unending, circular, going nowhere. fuck, i'm done

i feel so alone

giddiness

i feel i should put this down for posterity's sake.

yesterday kate and i had a good chat, mostly her probing my sad times. we saw each other at the apo meeting and she said i should come with her to help look for her lost phone. good thing it got lost!

we ended up going out to dinner so she could regale me with stories from her past. then we drove around, talking, went to barnes and noble, and went up to the star on the mountain. just a fantastic time.

driving around in circles around my house, because we couldn't stop talking, it eventually was "time to end it." the car sitting in front of my house i decided shit, i'm doing something. i said "i have a huge crush on you kate. probably more than a crush." and then a car was behind us and we ended up driving in circles as she asked what i was going to do about it. i liked her words "oh yeah? i kind of figured. i was kinda wondering if you were going to do anything about it. so what are you going to do about it?" "well," i responded "probably think about it a lot and kiss you at some point." it was so bizarre. talking about how i would kiss her and all these things, really what should have been something pretty awkward, but it wasn't. instead i had butterflies in my stomach and was excited. at some point i stated out loud that this was comfortably awkward.

she revealed that she liked me as well and as we pondered things, she said she wasn't sure about it because she thought she would hurt me. i hadn't expected this. i asked why? because she isn't completely over dylan, because she isn't sure what she wants. she didn't want to be a bitch and end up hurting me and making me hate her. i understand.

but i didn't care. the idea that at some point in the future she will hurt me terribly, it doesn't scare me. which goes along very well with what we had earlier determined was the moral of the day: that i need to open up and not be so afraid to get hurt. i told her that with her, i don't mind taking that risk. and i meant it.

so we ended the night with a good hug, and a silly kiss on the cheek. and i went up to my room and paced about and laughed and couldn't stop smiling.

i'm still in a good mood.

how do i say this...

i had a thought i'm having trouble putting into accurate words. my initial thoughts are to say "all my relationships are inherently flawed" or "i'm in love with all my best friends." both of which are true, but only a bit. they're too broad and don't cover the nuances from friendship to friendship.

the point i want to get across, however, is that many of close friendships do seem flawed. for the most part i have an excess of feelings for said friends, and i'm really just getting close to them, hoping to someday, through my humor or laughter or something less nameable, inspire something similar to the intense feelings these friends inspired in me the moment i layed eyes on them.

is this a fruitless venture? if you fall in love with someone before you even know their name and they don't notice you, will you ever be able to do something that causes them to have a moment where their mind is silenced and all they can do is stare at you in awe? it's possible, though unlikely. but i suppose most of my life is spent chasing possibility, no matter how terrible the odds.

i want to elaborate on this more, but i suppose i've gotten the basic point down, and i really think i should take a nap.

a certain place for certain things

so on a walk over to the bathroom, as seems to happen so often, i had a revelation about myself.

i was thinking about how after going upstairs knowing i was coming right back down, jordan said "bye tyler." which was kind of like a summation of how im sure my roommates all view me. im reclusive and anti-social. what happened to the tyler they used to know, i'm sure they wonder to themselves.

i figured out that THAT tyler lives outside his house. when i come home, when i'm in my room or making food etc., i'm all on my own and very much doing my own thing. this makes SO much sense when i look at my whole life and how i have always very much preferred to go over to friend's houses or just NOT be at my house. i rarely ever invite people over because when i do i don't know how to have company. in my mind, i'm at my house and that means i'm just entertaining myself, which i am very very good at doing, so it's weird having someone else around to worry about. even when i lived andrew, i would spend a lot of time purposefully avoiding him and now i see why. when i'm at home, it's alone time. andrew was able to get me out of it often enough though, because he's...well, he's andrew!

i think this is a good thing to know. i will possibly have to work on it for the future, what with a wife and kids and all that good shit i assume i'm going to acquire someday. but then again, once i get out of the house i am normal social tyler (unless you catch me on a solitary errand, like grocery shopping. i think i already wrote a bloggy thing about how i saw people at king soopers and i was just so damn flustered. if i didn't, well, then, i was really flustered having to talk to people when i was dead set on just getting groceries on my own). like with andrew, at home i was all reclusive, but if he got me outside the house, or we had planned to do something, i was all in it.

anyways, just a fun thing to note about me. go me. you're so very god damn bizarre.