guess who's depressed again!

that means i'm writing again! boy, what was i gonna say...something poignant im sure.

first off, fuck school, i hate it, i can barely make myself go.

ok now that that's outta the way - what is wrong with me? i don't have a typical thing going on. I'm not worried about money, about my weight, appearance. but it seems i feel that i just really don't have anything to offer anyone. i don't have money, i can't cook, i know nothing about culturey things. i just accept dinners, i accept drinks, i get talked to about everything. all im good for is ruminating in my own head, afraid of how people will react if i actually fucking open up.

whoa, that was intense, huh? melodramatic much? but that is the problem, i just don't really feel good about myself. what happened to that badass with a stupid moustache and white pants that thought he owned the damn world? i guess it was a farce. i feel like this depressey me is the actual on. i just covered it up for a very long time. but it's back and...i dunno. i can hide him again or maybe this time fucking figure out what causes the whole mess and just destroy it.

well shit

i was doing pretty well there for awhile, as evidenced by my lack of writing here. and yet...sigh. i utterly loathe how very much dependent my mood is on girls, or at any specific time, a specific girl.

this time erika. we had been acquaintances and we started hanging out more when she broke up with guy boyfriend. i guess my bad, as it always is, for being friends rather than stating outright my intentions? i don't know. i thought things were going well, i thought she liked me, blah blah. and then she meets a guy on a bus ride home and she likes him. i'm trying not to care but i'm failing pretty badly.

my mind starts cycling on thoughts of other girls i've liked and how i just don't seem to be worth a damn. ok too strong of words but still. mackenzie and her...flirtiness and yet always finding other guys. genevieve, who dated that loser, and now brian. now erika and this guy from a bus. and i wonder, am i undesirable? i know that's not true. but it really really feels like it.

and then my mind shoots back to emmy, who i am pretty positive likes me far more than she will admit. which makes me feel hypocritical in that i am just not attracted to her, and these girls i like are just not attracted to me. so what am i complaining about? i do the same thing that is done to me, and it's just as uncontrollable. but god dammit i think i am a good looking guy, a nice guy, a desirable person. but that just doesn't seem to be the case and it eats at me so much in situations like this.

i talked to andrew today and he said something along the lines of "why are delaying the inevitable, let's just take a gay pill." and oh man how i wish that could be the case hahaha. blah. fucking girls. and their dramatic input on how i feel. i'm sick of this crap.

on another note, more tyler's keep popping up. tonight i had a thought along the lines of; all these tylers keep appearing and it makes me feel worth less. maybe it's a sign from the universe i should just go all spirity and become some enlightened shaman, who never has a relationship with anyone, who tosses aside his ego completely, but becomes one with the universe. that sounds pretty sweet really, if it weren't for my logical skepticism. considering the eons of history of real people just living in the world, the idea of elevating my consciousness to some higher level...that is an idea for stupid religions that make everything worse.

so i am kinda stuck. shit.

i love the smell of pot

no i don't. i hate hate hate times infinity the smell of pot. the only way i can see the possibility of a good smell is if it is practically in my nose. after being smoke, wafting through the air, wafting in the my god damn room? not so good. in fact, fucking horrible.

i don't think i'm going to drink anymore. the past two times, tonight being one, i just end up terribly circular and depressed. despite all the shitty scheduling and classwork, i have remained positive so far. then tonight i had 3 drinks and my mind ate itself. QQ. ha. how apt.

still haven't finished the new earth. i'm taking it slow. the thing with that is...it's too sunshiny. the methods work, they totally do. last week i was in a horrendous funk and this week, after realizing "it's ok to be unhappy" i was quite damn positive despite a pile of shit on my face.

BUT. this same problem, the one affecting me currently, keeps coming up. i can gloss over, i can say "it's ok to be unhappy," i can let it pass over me and not affect me...i can do whatever this damn book says. and yet the same problem keeps coming up, keeps making me feel the same utterly shitty. so i don't think the book has all the answers. i need to wallow in horrendous, pointless, dark feelings if i want to get out of this, i believe. when i ignore it and just go on about my happy rainbow life, i don't solve a damn thing, let alone this obviously DEEP SHITTY FUCKING issue. yeah, 2 swear words. i am abhorrently bitter about it.

i am going to blast hands away in some headphones and just...tune the fuck out