how do i say this...

i had a thought i'm having trouble putting into accurate words. my initial thoughts are to say "all my relationships are inherently flawed" or "i'm in love with all my best friends." both of which are true, but only a bit. they're too broad and don't cover the nuances from friendship to friendship.

the point i want to get across, however, is that many of close friendships do seem flawed. for the most part i have an excess of feelings for said friends, and i'm really just getting close to them, hoping to someday, through my humor or laughter or something less nameable, inspire something similar to the intense feelings these friends inspired in me the moment i layed eyes on them.

is this a fruitless venture? if you fall in love with someone before you even know their name and they don't notice you, will you ever be able to do something that causes them to have a moment where their mind is silenced and all they can do is stare at you in awe? it's possible, though unlikely. but i suppose most of my life is spent chasing possibility, no matter how terrible the odds.

i want to elaborate on this more, but i suppose i've gotten the basic point down, and i really think i should take a nap.

a certain place for certain things

so on a walk over to the bathroom, as seems to happen so often, i had a revelation about myself.

i was thinking about how after going upstairs knowing i was coming right back down, jordan said "bye tyler." which was kind of like a summation of how im sure my roommates all view me. im reclusive and anti-social. what happened to the tyler they used to know, i'm sure they wonder to themselves.

i figured out that THAT tyler lives outside his house. when i come home, when i'm in my room or making food etc., i'm all on my own and very much doing my own thing. this makes SO much sense when i look at my whole life and how i have always very much preferred to go over to friend's houses or just NOT be at my house. i rarely ever invite people over because when i do i don't know how to have company. in my mind, i'm at my house and that means i'm just entertaining myself, which i am very very good at doing, so it's weird having someone else around to worry about. even when i lived andrew, i would spend a lot of time purposefully avoiding him and now i see why. when i'm at home, it's alone time. andrew was able to get me out of it often enough though, because he's...well, he's andrew!

i think this is a good thing to know. i will possibly have to work on it for the future, what with a wife and kids and all that good shit i assume i'm going to acquire someday. but then again, once i get out of the house i am normal social tyler (unless you catch me on a solitary errand, like grocery shopping. i think i already wrote a bloggy thing about how i saw people at king soopers and i was just so damn flustered. if i didn't, well, then, i was really flustered having to talk to people when i was dead set on just getting groceries on my own). like with andrew, at home i was all reclusive, but if he got me outside the house, or we had planned to do something, i was all in it.

anyways, just a fun thing to note about me. go me. you're so very god damn bizarre.

drinking and senses

god dammit, drinking brings out nothing more than my desire to kiss people.

i rode my bike to april/emmy/analisa's, and my fucking back tire went completely flat while i wasin the house. so upon leaving i was trudged around for air, got some, biked some blocks, and headed to kyle haas's bday. all in all, the trip home was about 7.2 miles, most of which was walking. fucking retarded.

BUT the whole way home i hoped some girl would come out of some party and fall in my arms, fall in my lips. very early on in my journey i met a girl named megan at a party and i kept wishing she wasn't miles away so i could go back and kiss her.

now i'm home and aaaaah i wanna some someone. god  dammit.

i think i've figured out a way i see people. girls namely.

there are girls i want to see naked, and girls i want to kiss. i greatly appreciate beauty and there are some girls that are just so damn BEAUTIFUL, i would love to see them naked. in my mind i don't see this is some sort of "objectifying" thing, as your body is a part of you and if i appreciate your body, i appreciate you as well. i'm just so curious to see the various forms.

then there are the girls i want to kiss. i still want to see them naked certainly, but these are people i want to get to know. a lot. enough that i could kiss them. i think it could be said i don't just kiss whomever, though i've had a few exceptions. in the great majority of cases, to me a kiss is something very meaningful.

it's something akin to the contrast between "hot" and "beautiful." girls you think look good but aren't someone you want to necessarily be great friends with are hot. these are girls i want to see naked. but you tell pretty girls you want to know that they're beautiful. sure you still want to see them naked, but they offer more in the way of person to person relations.

it's the girls i want to kiss the moment i see them that get stuck in my head. and confuse me terribly.

i have a doppleganger

yesterday i was riding my bike to king soopers and stopped at a red light. another guy my age on a bike stopped and said hi. i asked if we had met a corner back last week. he said no, we met on the bus. i said uh, i never ride the bus. he said yeah, me met me on the bus to longmont. i say no, i never went to longmont. he said yeah, you were on the bus to longmont to see my parents. i said sorry but my parents live in greeley and fort collins. the light turned green for him and as he confusedly rode away he called back "do you have an identical twin?"

so i have a doppleganger somewhere here in boulder.

something that struck me though...when i told him "i never ride the bus," which is true, i caught my eyes looking to the side and i felt weird, as if i were lying. which made me think, what if i DO ride the bus but it's always as some alternate personality? that would be bizarre. but considering i don't sleep much and i am pretty well aware of what i'm doing all the time, i find that scenario unlikely.

but how exciting would that be?!

what happened to saturdays?

today i made myself sleep in late, which was grand. then i was on the computer a bit before i made myself go outside.

i biked up the bitchin' hill to chataqua and from there started hiking. i was headed up at a fast pace, my calves burning, the whole while thinking "when i can't go any further, i'm almost there." that mixed with the idea of just walking into the woods with no plans on coming out. i went through my life right now and tried to put a finger on what is wrong. why do i feel so empty and grayed-out, why did the idea of going off to die in the woods sound appealing?

i figured it was not necessarily the dying part that was exciting, but the fact that i would really be putting myself out there, testing myself. i stubbed my pinky toe on my fast upwards hike and it hurt but suddenly it felt real. my mind put into words what is wrong.

i'm going through life right now without even living.

im passing days, getting them over with as fast as i can and not looking forward to the next. how shitty is that? it's completely non-me. i am the one who loves life, who wants to live forever.

it's just this place im at in my life now. the only thing i have to look forward to is 2 years away. 2 entire years. i'll be 23 by the time i have run out those 2 years and can finally move on with the next phase of my life, the one i want to be in.

why not quit school and go do what you want now? i thought to myself. well, self, that sounds all well and good but unfortunately right now what i'm doing will probably have a profound impact on my entire life. quitting school to go travel sounds fun, and im sure it would be, but would i be screwing over all the future-me's i'll ever be? even i'm not so selfish as to chance ruining the lives of people i'll become.

whether i was getting tired or the slope was leveling out, my calves weren't burning anymore. i kept plodding on, no idea where i was going, resolutely aware that i couldn't get lost and i could come back anytime i was ready. i came across a place i've seen many times, one of the flatirons that always tempts me with how climbable it looks. today i felt i had nothing to lose so i started up.

losing myself in finding a vertical path, i got something i needed. climbing away, up to the top, even going up another rock once i was pretty much topped out. that last rock, i said to myself, was stupid. it was far harder to climb than the rest, it was unnecessary, and for a split second i almost lost my grip and fell. wouldn't my mom be proud of me! i thought, picturing how hard she would hit me for being an idiot.

i took a weird and steep way down and came back across my initial climb start with some kids starting it. i asked which flatiron it was, and they said it was the 2nd. ok then, i've soloed the 2nd flatiron.

when i found a path i started jogging and running down, my eyes trained on where i was going to go, where my i should place my feet. i said hi quickly to people i passed but i was obsessed with landing right and not dooming myself to a long hard fall. i ran down the entire mountain, my toes burning from how hard they were getting slapped, smiling and happy. oh, i thought, that climb and down-run was just what i need! i've cleared the fog my mind was in!

except i didn't. i was just able to escape it for a bit and i came home and took a shower and the fog came back. i don't know what i've done in the last few hours...played games, read, played with my neocube, ate...it all equates to nothing really. i'm just wasting this day so i can waste sunday and waste the week and waste the next weekend and on and on.

i HATE just going through the motions. i want something bigger to live my days for. yet i've tried getting new friends, i've tried to do things with old friends, and all of it just ends up being more wasted time or small enjoyable bumps i pass all too quickly. i don't know what else to do. i feel i've tried all i can.

i just settle further and further into apathy. it helps to numb the lethargy and tiredness i feel. but it dulls everything good so much. hiking today i was staring at the brown dirt around my feet, aware there were pretty trees all around and a glorious view to my left. but i didn't care, i couldn't care. what's a view worth when you have blanketed yourself so much from everything?

i can make it through the next 2 years like this, there's no doubt of that. but i worry what living through it like this will do to my mind, to my soul.

a friday night

i wish i had a girl to love, to come home with.

instead i'm heating poptarts.

these are thoughts i am thinking and have been thinking

i should sleep but i want to write these real quicklike.

i have two me's. one is the awake me, the other is the dream me. they both love being, and don't like to give up their time for the other. despite being tired a lot, i find it hard to nap, hard to go to bed, because awake me wants to keep doing stuff. even if he finds it mundane and pointless. dream me doesn't like wavering into wakefullness, but he has the disadvantage of awake me being very alert while sleeping, and alarms that signal the end of his time.

neue Thema...I am lonely. god dammit, lonely again. last year was MY year and it was glorious. and it has faded. i have been for a bit, but it didn't really solidify in my mind till tonight, sitting in my room i thought "this is where i am, so much of the time. just me and my distractions. i am lonely." none of those thoughts were in words, none but the last one. i don't know how to deal with it. i have friends, i see them, i enjoy being with them. yet i'm lonely.

unless everyone else has blogs like this, probably no one will know about this except Haley, whose blog-thing i commented on, thus providing her a link to me. but considering this uses all my old catchphrases, like Tigaj, Ra'jic, und so weiter, i could still potentially be found. by my friends, by my family. as such i think i will leave my deeper thoughts to myself, or my handwritten journals. shit, maybe i'll play with this more tomorrow and make this private. sure i'd like to have some big thing for people to read and feed my ego and have my thoughts known, but really what i want is a damn place to type that feels like my own. i will still handwrite stuff, but typing is SO much faster and more convenient.

i must relinquish my hold and allow dream tyler to step in. Night, Future-Me. (night, you say waving)

a new chapter begins

Haley "biggie smalls" wrote a note on facebook about some blog she had. i went to it to see what's happening in my life and surprise, you can log in for comments using your google name. i love google! "hey internet, if i can post comments using my google stuff, can i...post bloggy things using the same login?" "yes!" said the internet!

and i am in a writing mood. if you're me, which i am, you know what that means. things aren't going smoothly. try as i might to smooth the wrinkles with my iron, (working out, filling time, attempting apathy) i am still alone with my mind far too often and it has a way of noticing the bumps.

so i will take up my buttony pen yet again and write what i'm thinking. because i think it helps, and i think these thoughts i'm thinking will be good for Future-Tyler to look back at. PLUS it's on a page that so-far-as-i-know is untainted. it is not myspace or facebook or any of that soulless shit. perhaps blogger.com is just as soulless as anything else, but I'm unaware of it and so find it welcoming.