i love the smell of pot

no i don't. i hate hate hate times infinity the smell of pot. the only way i can see the possibility of a good smell is if it is practically in my nose. after being smoke, wafting through the air, wafting in the my god damn room? not so good. in fact, fucking horrible.

i don't think i'm going to drink anymore. the past two times, tonight being one, i just end up terribly circular and depressed. despite all the shitty scheduling and classwork, i have remained positive so far. then tonight i had 3 drinks and my mind ate itself. QQ. ha. how apt.

still haven't finished the new earth. i'm taking it slow. the thing with that is...it's too sunshiny. the methods work, they totally do. last week i was in a horrendous funk and this week, after realizing "it's ok to be unhappy" i was quite damn positive despite a pile of shit on my face.

BUT. this same problem, the one affecting me currently, keeps coming up. i can gloss over, i can say "it's ok to be unhappy," i can let it pass over me and not affect me...i can do whatever this damn book says. and yet the same problem keeps coming up, keeps making me feel the same utterly shitty. so i don't think the book has all the answers. i need to wallow in horrendous, pointless, dark feelings if i want to get out of this, i believe. when i ignore it and just go on about my happy rainbow life, i don't solve a damn thing, let alone this obviously DEEP SHITTY FUCKING issue. yeah, 2 swear words. i am abhorrently bitter about it.

i am going to blast hands away in some headphones and just...tune the fuck out