i'm halfway through the new earth and it seemed to help. but then all this drama rose up and i got sucked into it, and i can't...i can't put life and theory together
i don't know what to do. i run circles in my head and get nowhere.
stop thinking, i tell myself. just be yourself, your awareness. ok, i can feel that, but then i wonder, what the fuck is the point of being aware when you can't do a god damn thing?
one thing i can't figure out - sex. it conflicts with itself so much. i want it, but i don't want it for its own sake. i feel i've wasted so much potential. i am capable of such passion. i am capable of so much pleasure, of giving so much pleasure, of such sharing. but then, what have i really missed out on? my life is no worse off. but it's something i've never experienced. what is that experience worth? i'm just going to die someday and any experiences i ever had, any one affected, it's all gone and doesn't matter.
what the fuck is the point? i feel so terrible right now and i can't even actually cry. tears well up but i can't cry. why do i feel so awful? i can't even figure that out. and then all the thoughts i think, trying to pin down what is causing me to feel so shitty, it just makes me feel worse and more confused.
i feel broken and i want to break things.
i can't help but feel helpless. there's nothing i can do, not really, in the scheme of things. but my genes or persistance or instinct keeps pushing me forward in this worthless stupid drama.
i wish i heart huckabees was real. i want some god damn existential detectives to help me figure shit out. i feel like i'm on the cusp, and i can't do it. the closer i get to going over that ledge, the more confusing it all is. nothing works, no method solves anything
i could write this like forever, because this is just how my thoughts are, unending, circular, going nowhere. fuck, i'm done
i feel so alone
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