giddiness

i feel i should put this down for posterity's sake.

yesterday kate and i had a good chat, mostly her probing my sad times. we saw each other at the apo meeting and she said i should come with her to help look for her lost phone. good thing it got lost!

we ended up going out to dinner so she could regale me with stories from her past. then we drove around, talking, went to barnes and noble, and went up to the star on the mountain. just a fantastic time.

driving around in circles around my house, because we couldn't stop talking, it eventually was "time to end it." the car sitting in front of my house i decided shit, i'm doing something. i said "i have a huge crush on you kate. probably more than a crush." and then a car was behind us and we ended up driving in circles as she asked what i was going to do about it. i liked her words "oh yeah? i kind of figured. i was kinda wondering if you were going to do anything about it. so what are you going to do about it?" "well," i responded "probably think about it a lot and kiss you at some point." it was so bizarre. talking about how i would kiss her and all these things, really what should have been something pretty awkward, but it wasn't. instead i had butterflies in my stomach and was excited. at some point i stated out loud that this was comfortably awkward.

she revealed that she liked me as well and as we pondered things, she said she wasn't sure about it because she thought she would hurt me. i hadn't expected this. i asked why? because she isn't completely over dylan, because she isn't sure what she wants. she didn't want to be a bitch and end up hurting me and making me hate her. i understand.

but i didn't care. the idea that at some point in the future she will hurt me terribly, it doesn't scare me. which goes along very well with what we had earlier determined was the moral of the day: that i need to open up and not be so afraid to get hurt. i told her that with her, i don't mind taking that risk. and i meant it.

so we ended the night with a good hug, and a silly kiss on the cheek. and i went up to my room and paced about and laughed and couldn't stop smiling.

i'm still in a good mood.