i biked up the bitchin' hill to chataqua and from there started hiking. i was headed up at a fast pace, my calves burning, the whole while thinking "when i can't go any further, i'm almost there." that mixed with the idea of just walking into the woods with no plans on coming out. i went through my life right now and tried to put a finger on what is wrong. why do i feel so empty and grayed-out, why did the idea of going off to die in the woods sound appealing?
i figured it was not necessarily the dying part that was exciting, but the fact that i would really be putting myself out there, testing myself. i stubbed my pinky toe on my fast upwards hike and it hurt but suddenly it felt real. my mind put into words what is wrong.
i'm going through life right now without even living.
im passing days, getting them over with as fast as i can and not looking forward to the next. how shitty is that? it's completely non-me. i am the one who loves life, who wants to live forever.
it's just this place im at in my life now. the only thing i have to look forward to is 2 years away. 2 entire years. i'll be 23 by the time i have run out those 2 years and can finally move on with the next phase of my life, the one i want to be in.
why not quit school and go do what you want now? i thought to myself. well, self, that sounds all well and good but unfortunately right now what i'm doing will probably have a profound impact on my entire life. quitting school to go travel sounds fun, and im sure it would be, but would i be screwing over all the future-me's i'll ever be? even i'm not so selfish as to chance ruining the lives of people i'll become.
whether i was getting tired or the slope was leveling out, my calves weren't burning anymore. i kept plodding on, no idea where i was going, resolutely aware that i couldn't get lost and i could come back anytime i was ready. i came across a place i've seen many times, one of the flatirons that always tempts me with how climbable it looks. today i felt i had nothing to lose so i started up.
losing myself in finding a vertical path, i got something i needed. climbing away, up to the top, even going up another rock once i was pretty much topped out. that last rock, i said to myself, was stupid. it was far harder to climb than the rest, it was unnecessary, and for a split second i almost lost my grip and fell. wouldn't my mom be proud of me! i thought, picturing how hard she would hit me for being an idiot.
i took a weird and steep way down and came back across my initial climb start with some kids starting it. i asked which flatiron it was, and they said it was the 2nd. ok then, i've soloed the 2nd flatiron.
when i found a path i started jogging and running down, my eyes trained on where i was going to go, where my i should place my feet. i said hi quickly to people i passed but i was obsessed with landing right and not dooming myself to a long hard fall. i ran down the entire mountain, my toes burning from how hard they were getting slapped, smiling and happy. oh, i thought, that climb and down-run was just what i need! i've cleared the fog my mind was in!
except i didn't. i was just able to escape it for a bit and i came home and took a shower and the fog came back. i don't know what i've done in the last few hours...played games, read, played with my neocube, ate...it all equates to nothing really. i'm just wasting this day so i can waste sunday and waste the week and waste the next weekend and on and on.
i HATE just going through the motions. i want something bigger to live my days for. yet i've tried getting new friends, i've tried to do things with old friends, and all of it just ends up being more wasted time or small enjoyable bumps i pass all too quickly. i don't know what else to do. i feel i've tried all i can.
i just settle further and further into apathy. it helps to numb the lethargy and tiredness i feel. but it dulls everything good so much. hiking today i was staring at the brown dirt around my feet, aware there were pretty trees all around and a glorious view to my left. but i didn't care, i couldn't care. what's a view worth when you have blanketed yourself so much from everything?
i can make it through the next 2 years like this, there's no doubt of that. but i worry what living through it like this will do to my mind, to my soul.
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